You Should Know

If you are going to fall in love with me, here are some things you should know. I cry a lot. Whether it be over school, or someone I lost, or a fictional character I believe just didn’t deserve it, I’ll cry. And you don’t need to say anything or try to fix it. You just need to hold me.

My biggest fear is letting someone completely in. They can run away with your secrets and never come back. So it may take time, but I’ll let you in. It may start with something small like why my favorite color is black or why my favorite book is The Last Time We Say Goodbye, but then it will work up to why I began writing in the first place.

I love God more than I could ever love you. I love him more than I love my own family. And I hope you don’t let any love you have for me eclipse your love for Him.

My best friend is make it or break it. She is important in my life and I would hope you could always be friends with her.

I am myself, but there are other people inside of me. You should get to know each one.

There will be times where I will be angry, and I won’t know why or how to stop it. There will be times where I will be sad, and I won’t know how to stop it. There will be times where I will be anxious, and I won’t know how to stop it. There will be times where I will be terrified, and I won’t know how to stop it.

I will lose myself so completely in a book that it may become all I think about. I just need someone to listen while I rant about the bigger meaning of the book, or why I wish a character acted differently.

Tell me the truth. Even if the truth makes your soul shake and rattles your bones. That’s when it’s most important.

I hope to challenge any dark that may be inside of you. Don’t run away when that happens.

And most importantly, if you love me, and if you give me everything you’ve got, I will never give up on you. I’ll love you until the end of the line, if you’ll let me.

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There’s love in this world, and it’s more than worth the wait. We waste the word love on things that won’t matter in 30 years and people we don’t actually love. Don’t say love unless it makes your bones shake and your heart ache for fear of losing it. Love has lost its meaning and it’s time we give it back. Don’t waste your love, wait for it. Because it is coming, and when it finds you, you’ll know why you waited.

How to Love

Throughout her life, she’d only ever truly loved three people: her mother, who taught her to love the most, her father, who taught her to love the best, and her brother, who taught her to love endlessly. She watched her mother love her father, despite him drifting away at times, and watched her forgive her sister for causing all the heartbreak in her mother’s family. She saw her father’s heart break for the people beyond help and beyond saving and saw him fight for those who simply couldn’t. She looked on at her brother who comforted the girl who broke his heart and slept with his best friend when her father died. She thought she knew everything in the world about love. She loved the most, and the best, and endlessly. What else was there for her to learn?

But then he came into the picture. Not fast and destructive, like a tornado tearing through and scattering all the pieces of her life left behind, but slow and quietly, like a star being born in the vacuum of space, never disturbing the celestial beings in it’s orbit. Yes, she knew how to love, but what she didn’t know was what love was. She learned that love was him introducing her to his friends and not caring when they call him whipped. She learned that love was going out of his way to make sure she was never alone. Love was him holding her hand just to know that she was still there, and that she was always going to be. Love was him staying up late and not being able to fall asleep because he wasn’t positive she had gotten home alright. 

But when she learned what love was, she also learned that a person is not perfect. He wasn’t and she sure as hell was nowhere near it. They were never perfect together. But she could make him laugh. And she learned she would spend all the time in the world making him laugh. She made him admit to being different in a world that has been screaming for decades for people to be the same. She taught him what love was while he was teaching her, and they showed each other how to love, and how to be loved. All of the years of time and space and all of the people in the universe had conspired to get them here to this place. Where her mother loved her the most, and her father loved her the best, and her brother who loved her endlessly, and the first love of her life who showed her what love was. He didn’t ever hurt her, or change her, but loved her when he was with her and when he was without her. So in the end, she loved the most, and the best, and endlessly. And she could see what love was, from a thousand miles away. 

So this was for the boy who showed her what love was and for all the people she loved after. Because they were loved most, and best, and endlessly, and tangibly. 

  • e.o.

love at sixteen.

When she met him, she was 16, still battling her own mind and fighting the world at the same time. The wars raging inside her were as constant as the wars being waged in the world. She was undecided on the course of her life and she was still trying to find out who she was. She had never truly loved or been loved. 

So when she met him, and he opened doors for her,

And paid for her meals, 

And walked to her door to meet her mother instead of honking his car horn,

And went to church with her, 

And prayed for her and with her,

And took her to meet his parents,

And refused to treat her with anything but the utmost respect,

And asked her to hang out during the day rather than at 11 at night,

And told her she was beautiful inside and out,

When he proved himself to be a good man,

She felt things she never had before. She felt this jittery feeling in the pit of her stomach when she saw him in the school hallways walking towards her. And she felt herself become short of breath when he kissed her on the cheek in front of everyone because he wasn’t ashamed of her. And she felt her palms become sweaty when he told her she looked beautiful everyday. And she felt her heart swell when they cuddled together with her head on his chest, lips pressing soft kisses into her hair. She had never felt these things before and she had to wonder,

Is this love?

A gentleman was someone she had never known before, for the one man who was supposed to love her her whole life had left before she could even say the word “dad.” And being an only child meant there was never an older brother to look out for her and make sure she was on the right path. The only love she’s known was from her mother who tried her damn best to give her daughter the world. 

What she was feeling: the jitters, the shortness of breath, the sweaty palms, the heart swelling, this was first love. This was the boy she’d never forget. This was the boy she’d compare every future boy with. This was the boy who set her standards. This was the love that would hurt the most. 

But despite the inevitable pain she was bound to feel (because yes, this was all going to hurt like hell and no, this probably wasn’t going to work out), she loved him with all she could. She loved him with her whole heart and then some. She loved him with everything she had because this was her first love and she’ll be damned if she didn’t savor these feelings, didn’t enjoy these feelings, didn’t relish in these feelings, despite the pain the future may hold. 

  • m.f.