to my first (and so far only) love. 

This is for the only boy who’s truly loved me, for the only boy that ever cared so much, for the only boy I didn’t want to hurt, for the only boy I ended up hurting.

I am sorry.

I don’t think I ever told you this because the silence between us became so deafening that I couldn’t hear myself think let alone find the words to say but I am sorry.

I am so truly sorry I let you down.

I met you in the first grade and I remember thinking that yes, this boy is going to be my first kiss, this is boy is going to be my first boyfriend, this boy is going to be my first everything. Can you believe I was already in love with you in fucking elementary school? I loved you all those years and I think you loved me back but what do two fifth graders know about love besides playing footsie under the table when we’re supposed to be doing math problems or asking to be partners in an assignment just to be close or huddling next to each other when the teacher makes us sit in boy girl order.

But then middle school came and I gave my first kiss away to a boy with bad intentions and my first boyfriend was the same boy with the same bad intentions and I didn’t love him, I didn’t want to play footsie with him under the table and I didn’t want to be his partner and I didn’t want to sit next to him and I didn’t love him, I didn’t love him because he wasn’t you. And then I gained the knowledge that I didn’t have to settle for anyone so I broke up with him because I didn’t love him and he didn’t love me and I know this to be true because the next week he was already “talking” to another girl.

Freshman year of high school I had my sights set on you because no I shouldn’t settle and yes you have always been the one I wanted. So we talked and we flirted as best as young 15-year olds could and you took me to homecoming and you became my second boyfriend but my first love. A couple months in and you were giving me feelings I had never felt before, feelings that were so foreign to me yet so familiar because I’d felt them for you my whole life but now we were real and we were together and this is no longer just footsie under the table or partners for a worksheet or boy girl order, no, this was bigger, better, scarier.

So scary that I didn’t know how to handle myself, handle these feelings, handle us, so I panicked, and I am sorry for panicking. My old anxiety brought me fear and my even older depression brought me bigger fears, because every time I get to be this happy I always end up being even sadder, so no this wasn’t allowed this wasn’t supposed to happen I wasn’t supposed to feel this much joy in my heart. So I ended it. I ended it without even letting you know why, without even giving you the chance to understand me, without even saying so much as a goodbye. And I look back on it now and all I can think is how shitty I am of a person and all I can say to you is that I am sorry.

I am sorry because you deserved better. I am sorry because I am so mentally screwed up. I am sorry because I never even gave us a chance. I am sorry because I let you down time and time again. I am sorry because I gave my first kiss away to someone who wasn’t you. I am sorry because my first boyfriend was a boy I didn’t love when it should’ve been you. I am sorry because as your first girlfriend I should’ve been so good to you. I am sorry because I panicked at the feeling of something real. I am sorry because I hurt the only person I never ever wanted to hurt.

If you ever find this, just know that I will always love you, that I will always keep you in my heart not as the one who got away but as the one I wasn’t smart enough to keep, that I can still see a future for us because you were always the one I wanted, that there are still a thousand words I want to say, but most importantly, know that I am sorry.
m.f.

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