To the only boy I’ve ever loved:

I didn’t even believe in love before I met you. Familial love, yes. Godly love, of course. But love love, no, that couldn’t be possible. How could you meet one person, and despite all of their scars and mistakes, love them completely. I’d seen marriages crumble and people continue their lives like it didn’t phase them. I’ve known homes with shaking roofs and crashing windows. So how, in all of that, could love be real? And then I met you. And you, you flipped my world upside down. And I loved you. I love you. I am inexorably, inexplicably, and catastrophically in love with every part of you. I loved you even when you gave me a thousand reasons not to. And I don’t regret one minute of it. What I do regret is the shattered heart. I wish I knew why all of it had to end because all I keep thinking is ‘What did I do? What did I do? What did I do?’ I wish I knew why it all happened so quickly. I gave you so much in such a short amount of time. I told you things I’d never told anyone. But mostly, you made me happier than I’ve been in a long time. So why is it gone already? Before, everything was falling apart, but I still had you. Then I lost you and everything went to hell. I honestly wish I didn’t care because then it wouldn’t hurt this damn much. But I do care. God, do I care. Still, all I want in life is just for you to be happy. And if that wasn’t with me then so be it. You deserve the happiest ending imaginable. I just always hoped it would be with me. Mostly, out of all things, I want to thank you for being the most incredible human being. For being so goddamn beautiful. For being nothing but yourself and never apologising for it. There’s a quote I know and it reminds me of you. It reminds me of one of the million things I love about you. 

“There will be men in love with your skin and those who drown themselves in everything underneath. This is how you know.”

Thank you for looking at what’s underneath. Thank you for hearing my past, even if you don’t remember it now, and not running away. Thank you for ripping away my biggest fear, despite glueing it back together. I was always afraid of letting people in, because they might run away with your secrets and never come back. And that terrifies me again. But whatever happens now, I just want you to know that we were important. I loved you with a love that only comes once in a lifetime. So remember me like that okay? And if you ever read this, don’t come back to me out of pity. Pity love hurts more than a shattered heart. If you ever come back, make sure it’s because there is nothing more in your heart for me but pure love. I think you owe me that much. They say if you love something, set it free, and if it really loves you, it will come back to you someday. I don’t think I’m waiting for someday anymore. 

 

  • e.o.
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