I apologize for my lack of activity in these past couple months. It seems I cannot overcome this serious writer’s block. The days past and I find no inspiration, at least not like I used to. But I am trying, for y’all and for me, to get back to where I was. You’ll know when I get there.
All the love,
Once upon a time, there was a young girl. She lived in the fairytale world of pixies and nymphs and the only danger was getting sunburnt. The world was a magical place, full of wonder and mystery and every person she met was a new friend. There were no races, no genders, no discriminations just people living with people. And all was as it should always be. But time wore on and the bright world of rainbows and sunshine turned into a dark one of shadows and monsters. The darkness of your skin could kill you and the body you live in could control the course of your life. The people she met were liars and thieves and all she knew was nothing was as it had been and that nothing would ever be that way again. She searched for a way out, for a way back to her fairytale land but all that was there was blackness. There would be moments however, of brilliant clarity where the not-so-little girl could see behind the curtains over our eyes. She saw that the color of your skin did not matter and the parts of your body did not matter and that your disabilities or injuries did not matter. She saw that there was a place, if she could get there, that was bright and beautiful as she had once known the entire universe to be. She discovered that the darkness can choke you and terrify you and raze you. But with the dark comes the stars. And she has never known anything to be more wonderful and dazzling than a star.
Be brave friends, even the darkest hours have stars that shine.
I didn’t even believe in love before I met you. Familial love, yes. Godly love, of course. But love love, no, that couldn’t be possible. How could you meet one person, and despite all of their scars and mistakes, love them completely. I’d seen marriages crumble and people continue their lives like it didn’t phase them. I’ve known homes with shaking roofs and crashing windows. So how, in all of that, could love be real? And then I met you. And you, you flipped my world upside down. And I loved you. I love you. I am inexorably, inexplicably, and catastrophically in love with every part of you. I loved you even when you gave me a thousand reasons not to. And I don’t regret one minute of it. What I do regret is the shattered heart. I wish I knew why all of it had to end because all I keep thinking is ‘What did I do? What did I do? What did I do?’ I wish I knew why it all happened so quickly. I gave you so much in such a short amount of time. I told you things I’d never told anyone. But mostly, you made me happier than I’ve been in a long time. So why is it gone already? Before, everything was falling apart, but I still had you. Then I lost you and everything went to hell. I honestly wish I didn’t care because then it wouldn’t hurt this damn much. But I do care. God, do I care. Still, all I want in life is just for you to be happy. And if that wasn’t with me then so be it. You deserve the happiest ending imaginable. I just always hoped it would be with me. Mostly, out of all things, I want to thank you for being the most incredible human being. For being so goddamn beautiful. For being nothing but yourself and never apologising for it. There’s a quote I know and it reminds me of you. It reminds me of one of the million things I love about you.
“There will be men in love with your skin and those who drown themselves in everything underneath. This is how you know.”
Thank you for looking at what’s underneath. Thank you for hearing my past, even if you don’t remember it now, and not running away. Thank you for ripping away my biggest fear, despite glueing it back together. I was always afraid of letting people in, because they might run away with your secrets and never come back. And that terrifies me again. But whatever happens now, I just want you to know that we were important. I loved you with a love that only comes once in a lifetime. So remember me like that okay? And if you ever read this, don’t come back to me out of pity. Pity love hurts more than a shattered heart. If you ever come back, make sure it’s because there is nothing more in your heart for me but pure love. I think you owe me that much. They say if you love something, set it free, and if it really loves you, it will come back to you someday. I don’t think I’m waiting for someday anymore.
“The universe is in your bones, the stars in your soul; it’s never really the end.”